I can’t sleep. There are lots of thoughts going through my head.
The last day of school is quickly approaching.
I have mixed emotions about this.
Usually I look forward to summer. I absolutely love having my kids all home, I love that they don’t have homework, I love the freedom from school!
This year I’m struggling.
I love my son. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. But being around him right now is extremely difficult. Especially when his sister is around too. Welcome to summer vacation, a time where they will be together constantly!
I will have to be watching him at all times. Today, when he came home from school, he took a bib off our toddler’s chair and swatted our oldest daughter in the face with it. Why? Because she was talking.
“She wants to kill me!” That was his excuse. She was talking and he had to stop her so he wouldn’t die.
This is going to be my life 24/7 until he gets called to go to the inpatient treatment facility. We don’t know when that’ll be.
I wonder where this school year went. And when I’m being honest with myself, I know how I spent it. I spent it thinking about OCD. In some ways, I let it consume my life. Always thinking what more can we do, what do I have to learn about OCD, how do I treat this particular situation?
Insert…mommy guilt. Have I really wasted the school year by immersing myself into helping my son fight the battle against OCD? What about the girls? What have I done for them? I didn’t do a good job helping my kindergartener. She struggles with some of her schoolwork and I didn’t help her as much as I could have! Have I given enough love to my oldest daughter, the one who is always getting picked on by OCD? What about my toddler? What more could I have done for her while the kids were at school and just the 2 of us were home?
Insert…wife guilt. What about my marriage? When he and I converse, it’s mostly about OCD. Why didn’t we take time to be together laughing like we used to? Why didn’t we go on more dates?
Insert…homemaker guilt. My house could be cleaner. Those loads of laundry shouldn’t have piled up.
I regret knowing that my relationships with others have taken a backseat to OCD. But God is always with me. He has given me the strength to get through each day. I can’t look back with regret. That just makes me miserable. Instead I have to look forward with faith and hope that someday this bully won’t occupy my mind as much as it does right now.
I know it’s 1 AM and my family is sleeping, but I think I’ll go hug them all and whisper to them about how much I love them. And I’m going to be rebellious. I’m going to hug my sweet son after I’ve hugged the girls. That’s right. Contamination.
Take that, OCD!